It is what it is … until you change it.

Hi  My life right now is in a state of catalytic change.  I’m dealing with a range of emotions, from grief to relief, and from regret to joy.

You don’t know me, and you probably never will.  But I would like to share a bit of the story of my life with you.  I will start by saying that I am now on my own, free from a tortuous world of walking on eggshells and in constant fear.  I’ve been beaten, bruised, dominated, and transmogrified by the experience.  I will never be the same again.  But I am still the same person.  Doublethink is the idea that one can be conscious of two ideas in obvious contradiction and believe them both.  Read 1984 by George Orwell if this is a new idea to you.

I’ve become a subscriber to doublethink, and it is essentially core to my being.  For example, I can understand the ideals of the Right To Life movement while still understanding a Woman’s Right To Choose.  I know that life begins at conception, and experienced joy at the sound of a tiny heartbeat from a fetus that bears more similarity to a fish or lizard than a human.  I know that this is what my children once were.  But at the same time, I know that if a child is not wanted or defected in some way, it’s ok to let that life go.  I also understand that life is a blessing and should not be retired regardless of the circumstances.

Weird.  I don’t understand it and do not expect you to do so either.

Nigh on 5 years ago, I met someone who would change my life forever.  I was at a bar in San Francisco, playing pool after a day that started off with a walk with no destination … I met a good friend along the way, and attended a show of another very very good friend before ending up at my ‘final’ destination, a bar full of characters and the substances they consume.

I play pool and, in doing so on said day, came across a lady the likes of which I had never met before.  She cut a 5 ball up the rail, across the corner pocket, and made the shot with full confidence.  I won the game, but invited her to play again.  Needing quarters, I went to the bar, bought drinks, and returned wearing a pageboy wig borrowed from the bartender (said bartender would later warn me of who I was dealing with.  I told her I knew what I was dealing with.  She may have been right).

“At first I thought you were cute, but now you are adorable!”, the lady said.  These words set off a chain of events that was off the Richter scale in terms of life choices.  What follows here is an open and honest account of what transpired since that night.  I’m not sure how far I will get.  But at least I can try and share these experiences, for my heart has been broken, my body has been scarred, and I will never be the same again … I have loved, I have lost, I have tried my best, failed, and been failed by another.  But at least I have two wonderful things to show for it … my children.  It’s just unfortunate that the contributor of 50% of their genetic material is so diametrically opposed to me.  It’s a wonder they were ever brought here.  I’m sorry, kids.   Mom and Dad can’t get along, and Dad won’t stay around to see you scarred by it.

4 thoughts on “It is what it is … until you change it.

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